She has withdrawn Sex because every time she shows any affection to him, it seems to be his green light to initiate sex. Sound familiar?
This is often the case with so many couples as their relationship progresses and those words he hates are again heard “Not tonight darling”.
She then shuts down or becomes agitated because he has paid no attention to her or her needs. The night falls, they go to bed for the evening, and he is ready for Sex. She can become infuriated even more due to his lack of understanding of how she feels and what she wants and needs. He is lost and has no idea what to do; he feels rejected, again.
When both partners can understand the differences between the male and female gender, it is easier to being to understand what it means to create intimacy and desire for sex.
What can he do to create that desire in her, desire to want him, to have Sex?
For him it is about the Sex, for her, it is about everything else.
Foreplay for a woman commences at 6 am when the male opens his eyes. It means the male needs to ensure he is friendly, attentive, respectful and kind to his partner. He needs to put in some effort, help around the home, help out at dinner and with the kids. He needs to notice her. He can kiss and cuddle his wife in the morning and afternoon when he comes home from work. He can give her a call or send a text during the day to see how she is and to say he loves her. He can pop on those rubber gloves and scrub the bathroom or defrost the freezer. This is Foreplay to a woman. This is a loving and caring partner.
When the male partner is dismissive, snappy, demeaning and unhelpful around the home and to her, this is an enormous turnoff for any female. The woman says, ’he is like this through the day and evening, and then when we get into the bedroom he expects me to give him sex.’ The male believes this is normal, once we hit the sack, it is time for sex; however, the female does not seem to be able to get him to understand the difference between sex and intimacy which is generally the female requirement before sex. The unfortunate truth is that the male partner may sometimes display more intimacy to the bottle of beer he drinks after work each day or the sporting event he watches each weekend, than the partner with whom he shares his life.
Most females require a degree of intimacy before engaging in sex. It is a gender thing. Men do not require this if sex is possible, they are ready to go and jump in on a seconds’ notice. The female usually takes longer to escalate sexually.
To increase the intimacy in any relationship, it is about connection. Notice what your partner needs. Women may need to spell it out to him, so he understands. Hinting never works. Tell him what you require to feel comfortable, desired, noticed and appreciated. All these words result in the actions a woman needs for arousal. Not wanting to be used but to be noticed, wanted and have things done for her because he can see she needs support and he desires to help.
He needs to:
• Kiss her softly each morning and cuddle as often as he can
• Hold her hand when they walk or sit together
• Do things around the home and for the children
• Be proactive and instead of asking what she wants, notice and do it
• Be kind, respectful and attentive
• Smile and the odd compliment is always a winner
• Rub her tired feet, or a relaxing shoulder massage for no other reason except you are making her feel good
• Enquire what you can do for her
• Touch base during the day to ‘check-in’ and let her know you are thinking of her
• Listen to her, don’t fix it, just let her speak and empathise with a cuddle
• Participate in the day to day running and cleaning of the home you share
When he starts to understand he becomes a participant in this relationship, a partner in the home and an equal member of the couple, then intimacy and connection can be achieved. Sex is only the byproduct bonus of all the above.
How easy is this? Let the Foreplay begin!!!
By Relationship Authority Dr Karen Phillip
