Equality – in What?

Have you ever heard yourself saying things like:

“Why can’t he just see how irrational he is being?”

“What’s the reason he can’t understand what I mean, isn’t it obvious?”

“He doesn’t realise how he sometimes offends and hurts me?”

“Why can’t he listen to me the way I need?”

The problem is you often expect him to think like you, a woman, but he can’t. His gender is different, his life experiences are different, and he processes and thinks so unequivocally different. Expecting each of you to communicate and understand equally is thwart with disappointment. Expecting each of you to be equal in the relationship is also packed with danger.

Equality?

Equality is not just about jobs divided equally, equity in money earned or time spent with the kids. Equality is about the equal understanding of how your partner thinks, what they expect, their capabilities and each of you understanding your individual life experiences. Knowing how this has allowed each of you to develop into the person you fell in love with and want to share your life with.

Men and women are raised with different parental, social and society programming. Expectations of a boy are different to that of a girl. The way each gender is considered both externally and how we feel internally is different. Then we connect and expect our partner to understand us, read our mind, recognise our body language, do and say what we expect and need from them. After they can’t, we can become disappointed or even angry at their failure. This then sends the partner into a swirl of disarray. We question the how, what, where, why and wonder if we have made a mistake.

The point is we only need to take some time to understand their language, their communication style and how we can adjust our communication style slightly to enable them to hear and understand us and hopefully them you.

We all know communication within any relationship is vital. This conversation has been going on for millennials however many of us remain stuck in the abyss of not knowing and not understanding the how. How do I learn this instead of expecting ‘my partner should know’ or ‘should understand what I am trying to say’ or ‘should recognise what I need now.’ Then we have an expectation they should respond or behave in a particular way. When they don’t, we feel disheartened. In fact, placing a ‘they should’ on anyone is dangerous and often disappointing.

We Often Disconnect

We can start to feel a disconnect, a coldness, anger, resentment and disrespect in our relationship.

We become frustrated as we fail to have them understand how we think or what we need. Our expectations are not being met. My partner ‘should’ know me and ‘should’ understand what I need from them, yet they either don’t care or perhaps can’t – yet.

When we travel down that road of creating more emotional distance, we often add sexual distance as well. This then leads to a further disconnect and feeling of rejection, usually experienced by him. Often, she believes the only way to make an impact statement is to withdraw sex; then he will notice something is wrong.

The Solution

The solution is first to realise what you’re doing, the reason why it is being done and what solution you want to achieve.

We often become so stuck in our problem or issue; we spend so much time and effort concentrating, discussing and going over the ‘What ifs’ and the ‘If only’s’ we lose focus or omit to ascertain the solution we want. Once we find the solution we want then next step is to know how to get it. This is where many of us become stuck, frustrated and angry.

If we have it sorted in our mind, why then can’t our partner understand this and we move forward together to reach the goal to ensure our relationship is happy, connected and forever.

Once we set the goal on our mind, we must discuss this with our partner, determine if they are on the same page ad before you proceed further it is a matter of stopping, sitting, and writing down the steps each of you will proactively take to move toward the goal or outcome you desire.

This is nothing about Winning. This is about understanding the other person’s style of communication and processing. Once we get that, we can indeed move forward.

Steps to Become Unequally Equivalent

Processing styles are very different. Remember both partners think and process differently, men slower than women, so one thing at a time is useful to discuss only
Ask. When communicating we should never tell, we must ask and continue to be curious until we understand from their perspective and them ours.
Never judge. We can only openly speak when we feel safe to do so. Listen, enquire and take a moment or three to process before making a comment
Accept they are a good and loving partner. We can sometimes forget this important point. You are both there to enhance your relationship, not destroy it, work together for the same goal
Be patient. It has taken time to develop your miscommunication style; it will take time to readjust it.

We all have an inbuilt mindset to be right, and while we may be for us, we may not be for them. It isn’t a win situation, it is a listening, understanding and respecting difference mindset that is needed. We can achieve a state of emotional security, confidence and respect. We need to be Kind in our exchanges.

You Are Not Equal