Research has revealed that our brains are affected by those around us.
Narcissistic mind control is most conspicuous when one person in the relationship makes the decisions and gets their needs met more often than their partner.
When partners interact with each other, their brain activity becomes synchronised. The longevity and intensity of your relationship can affect the degree of synchronicity and influence one partner has over the other. Brain synchrony between partners activates two different sets of brain cells. One set focuses on our self and the second set focuses on others. Therefore, the narcissist uses mind control for their own agenda.
What is a Narcissist
A narcissist is a person who is devoid of feelings relating to love, empathy, guilt or remorse. They are great mimics and can go through the actions and use the words but unfortunately, they do not possess the feelings that connect to those loving actions and words. In fact, they don’t feel love, they possess ownership. When they say the words ‘I Love You’ change the words to ‘I own you’ and you will be on target. More will just make sense.
Dominance vs Balance in Narcissistic Relationships
Balanced relationships occur where partners have an equal say in all decision-making processes to help both can get their needs met. Both can assert themselves and negotiate on their own behalf creating a balanced relationship with compromise. This builds a synergetic relationship with autonomy, self-esteem, mutual respect, and effective communication skills.
Many of us possess both types, but some predominantly fall into one category. In relationships where power is imbalanced, such as in an abusive or Narcissistic relationship, one partner dominates, and the other accommodates. These relationships are often characterised by persistent conflict and power struggles. The Narcissist is aggressive (usually verbally) and motivated to maintain power and control. The accommodator (their victim) is more passive and motivated to maintain peace, love and connection. They believe they own you.
How The Narcissistic Partner Controls Our Brain
Brain synchronisation enables the dominant person to lead, and the subordinate reads the signals and follows to avoid conflict. What does this mean for our relationship?
New research suggests that in unequal or Narcissistic (Narc) relationships, the Narc partner’s brain influences the subordinate partner’s. Brain synchronisation makes it difficult for the subordinate partner to think and act freely or challenge the power imbalance. This pattern becomes more established; the longer the couple is connected. Even previously, assertive individuals increasingly accommodate the dominant partner once the relationship takes hold.
Acquiescent, or more subordinate partners, focus on others more than themselves. They adjust to their partner’s needs, wants and feelings. The dominant or Narcissist remains focused on themselves, often at the expense of their partner.
How to Combat Narcissistic Brain Control
The synchronisation process happens outside of our conscious control. It benefits healthy relationships when considerate and loving partners are “in sync,”. They are more in tune with their partner’s needs, thoughts and emotions. We strive to feel what our partner needs. On the other hand, where this process is in the service of one partner controlling the other, the relationship becomes toxic. Love and happiness wilt away.
The dominant or Narcissistic partner is not motivated to give up control, nor would they ever. Those struggling in an unhappy or dominated relationship often attempt counselling hoping the dominant partner will learn to understand their needs. Narcissists are unable to feel love, empathy, guilt or remorse. They can never change because they are perfect; ask them…
Surviving this type of narcissistic dominant relationship will always be challenging.
Leaving can be distressing as the subordinate partner must ask themselves if their escape will be worth the anguish. If you decide to remain, there are a few tips to help you:
- Build up your self-esteem because you are worth it, regardless of the dominant attempts to demoralise you at every opportunity
- Learn not to react to putdowns or your partner’s attempts to control you. Use the secret power words writing within Communication Harmony to prevent arguments and escalation of conflict
- Learn to be assertive and set boundaries
- Develop interests you can participate in without your partner
- Understand the ways to stop reacting to their deluge of words or accusations (the information in Communication Harmony teaches these skills)
When you decide enough is enough and you can no longer tolerate their controlling behaviour, it is wise to have some money set aside that you have secretly saved up, accommodation arranged, and plenty of support for yourself. Advise family, friends and work colleagues after you have stepped away, as they can be a rich source of support you will need. The dominant partner will not be happy and may attempt to control and threaten you to come back. He may attempt to convince you that you could never survive without them. He may promise he will change; until you are again within their web. You know what type of person your partner is; who you see is who they are. With these individuals, promises will never change that.
Read more on Survival with a Narcissist at DrKarenPhillip
References
Ishida, D. (2019), Brains Of Pairs Of Animals Synchronize During Social Interaction, Science Magazine, https://scienmag.com/brains-of-pairs-of-animals-synchronize-during-social-interaction/
Lancer, D. (2014). Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation.
Neuroscience Explains How a Narcissist Can Control Our …. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202004/neuroscience-explains-how-narcissist-can-control-our-brain
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